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I have anxiety and went through a period where it was pretty out of control. My insecurities were high and I exhausted my partner too.
From my experience, you can't just “put it aside” because it's kind of all consuming, but you can learn to not say anything just because you're feeling it. Learning to cope with it in the moment is your responsibility. I know “put it aside” and “cope with it” might sound like the same things right now but the terminology is important. Learning to cope is empowering. I want you to empower yourself, not dismiss yourself.
First up, I'd have a talk with your boyfriend and truly apologize for burdening him emotionally (look up the elements of an apology first). I know you didn't mean to. Ask him what his limit is. Try to get him to be clear with you. This might take multiple conversations as he tries to figure it out. Let him know you're there for him and want tocwork on this together. Ask for some forgiveness and patience if you slip. As long as he can see you're working on it, he might be okay with the occasional slip. Maybe get him to write an affirmation or two for you to read instead of asking him for reassurance. If he's up for it, maybe you could ask him to refresh the affirmation every few weeks or something, but only if he's game (I can never figure out what to write in a card so it might be the similar).
My boyfriend got to the point where he could not reassure me anymore for quite a while, but maybe yours could once a day/week or something. I'm not gonna lie, it was devastating and an extreme struggle. Maybe there is a different way you could ask that wouldn't tire him out so much. Also, he may not even want to know that you are trying not to ask for reassurance, if you find yourself telling him that you want to ask but are struggling not to. He might be THAT done and needs time to recharge. He will need to see you putting in the effort before he can trust that you're working on it. Whatever it is, this is the time to learn from him and really listen. His needs matter too. This is a conversation, not just another way to let your anxiety out, so try to focus on what he is saying, rather than what your brain is interpreting. Repeat what he says or write it down. Keep reminding yourself that it is not a rejection, it's his boundary.
As for actually figuring out how to cope with it. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might be the best approach if you're only dealing with anxiety and OCD (if there's trauma and cptsd, some people don't find it very effective – you could check out resources at r/cptsd if that's the case or do a post there). I'm not the best resource for books so you should look around or ask your therapist and doctor. I think “Mind Over Mood” was a popular one. There's also books on dealing with it in the moment with things like breathing exercises. I think I had one called “The Anxiety Workbook” but it might be different now.
Your therapist should also be able to help you with this. Like, put aside whatever you're talking about and work on this – it's a relationship emergency. You've been going to therapy for two years. Have you seen any progress in your anxiety? Should you maybe see someone else? I ask because I've been to many therapists. I prefer to deal with the right person for the main thing I'm trying to address at the moment and then move on. There are bad therapists who I loved as people but they didn't actually help me. You need to decide if it's time to see someone else.
Another important thing to confess is that I completley depend on meds to cope. They are my first line of defense and there is nothing wrong with that. My brain has a chemical imbalance and medication sorts that part out. Changing my thoughts doesn't change the physiological issue. I recommend talking with a doctor/psychiatrist, especially if you are also struggling to cope with the OCD. Finding the right medication takes a lot of time and effort. Keep track of symptoms and side effects as you go because they rarely get the perfect med and dose the first time.
It's time to advocate for your health. If this was something like an autoimmune disease that you have to live with for the rest of your life and is debilitating, you'd do everything you could (trust me, I have this too), so please approach this the same way.
I'm sorry this got so long. It's just that my relationship with my partner is the best thing in my life, even after 12 years together, and he almost called it quits because of my depression and anxiety. I am doing extremely well now because of the things I wrote here. It's a long path but I know you can do it. You will be much happier, and relaxed, on the other side of all this work. I mean, the work never really ends, but it does get better. Good luck!
I mean… are people saying this?
As a fat woman, I know I’m fat and I’ll call myself fat. But I can’t imagine in what context someone would bring this up me or my bf?
This is abuse. Leave.
The big issue here is the all too common misconception that when issues exist in a relationship, we should stay, because “no relationship is perfect.”
Now, as a general statement, that's absolutely true. No relationship is perfect. The problem is, that doesn't mean you should stay in an objectively unhealthy relationship just because all relationships will experience conflict at one point or another. Context matters. In a healthy relationship, when an issue arises, they'll work as a team to find sustainable compromise and move forward.
In unhealthy relationships, issues pop up and nothing ultimately changes for one reason or another. You're living proof of that even just using the first example alone. You say that all relationships will come with compromise. You follow that by saying you can't communicate with him honestly so you've stopped communicating with him. That's how you want to live forever?
Throw in the rest of the (monumental) issues you lay out, and what are you even questioning? Love isn't enough. When you're in the right relationship, you won't be questioning these things. Good luck.
yes she cheated emotionally she allowed herself to get so sclose she's willing to give you up for him which is horrible and i'm sorry OP but if they are already talking about being in a relationship they there's a pretty good chance she and him were getting physical behind your back and she's not telling you the truth so she doesn't look like the bad guy
Look i know it hurts now but once you move on you'll see the gift she is giving to you now the ability to see her for the lying cheating scumbag she is why would you want her back she's shown that she will cheat on you and leave you in a moment;s notice you deserve better OP i get it you spent over four years with her but to her that don't mean anything to her
Move out go back to your family go to gym and when she comes crawling back when it fails have the stregnth to tell her no and leave you alone i know its rough but i promise you'll grow and learn from this please leave OP
I’d go through her phone. We get these feelings for a reason.