Ahhh….had a similar experience when a loved one told me about a similar situation. I wanted to kill the bastatd, and because I couldn't it ate me up. My BP went rough the roof, and all I could do is pace, then I cried. Then I got mad again.
After the pacing stopped, I collected my thoughts and realized my priority was her. She had was the one hurt and all I had left in my arsenal was to be there for her, able to do whatever she needed from me. I was sick every time she started to open up to me. I wanted to vomit and the anger was so terrible, but I kept it in and became her sounding board. I reassured her constantly and often told her when I admired her. I haven't mentioned sparingly how brave I think she is and how strong she is (not wanting to bring up the topic often) but I do praise her often for being someone I look up to and admire. , or when she simply does something ge uinely impressive.
Any time she needs me, I'm ready to cry with her, hold her, and listen to her silently as she heals, and I told her all of this. I reassured her my reactions that first day were because I care for her and hate the man who hurt her, but that nothing about her has changed in my eyes, that she is still a wonderful person.
All this seemed to help, and though the pattern is still the same, it got better with time for both of us. Just be there for her and explain how you haven't changed towards her. She will need that.
Tell them. Friendship was over long ago.. you're just hiding your true feelings. Go for it and move on or watch her hook up again while you lurk in the shadow with your regret.
ha, sorry this just comes up so much here. there's really only one right answer and that's to go for it. don't be pathetic.
Is your MIL from a Slavic country by any chance? The Balkans or generally former Yugoslavia? She sounds like the right age to have been mucked up by the war(s). That’s for sure the reason my dad (and his mother too, who lived with us) is so angry and strange about food.
My thoughts exactly on this. My great great grandma (was around when I was a kid, she lived a long time) had some generational trauma from her own parents struggling with a famine before coming to the US. There's stories about how it really hurt her and my great great aunt. My great aunt in particular couldn't eat with her family— she'd wait till everyone was done and then eat at the table alone, super fast as she still struggled with the idea that the food could be ripped away from her again.
It obviously doesn't excuse OP's MIL, but I would not be surprised if it were caused by an issue like this or a non-food scarcity related eating disorder.
Because of the kids. Obviously my oldest is 12, I’ve been married to my husband for 20 years. She’s never been mean to the kids before. It was shocking to see her act this way to the kids- from what to me is just a trivial issue about hard cocoa and Nutella. She stayed in August and didn’t act that way. It just feels like the more she stayed the more she finally got comfortable with behaving how she did. I knew about the hoarding and she is that way at her home but when it came to being a guest at others homes I never saw her react so negatively. It could be the longer lengths of stay I suppose. Some behaviors aren’t obvious until you live! with someone for awhile.
People are complicated and relationships and the emotions that surround them are naked to navigate especially when you're young. That week break gave her some clarity which is a good thing. Your relationship was not working out and that is ok.
You are torturing yourself trying to figure out why her mind changed. I assure you it is not just about you “breaking down.” She does not have those strong feelings any more for you and that is ok. You have to accept rejection.
You are torturing yourself right now, hurting yourself by not moving on. You have to be kind to yourself.
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These TikTok or wherever the hell you got it from “games” are obnoxious. As the guy who gets asked these, I now intentionally respond with offensive answers.
For your scenario I’d answer that adult humans can self-extricate while animals may not be able to. And then over night allergy? Sure. I’d get a hypoallergenic one.
It's a way of coping with intense emotion. Physical pain often provides an emotional “hard reset”. I struggled with self harm for about a decade starting in my teens to deal with my anger. I didn't have an outlet for it, I couldn't make the feeling go away, and I knew that taking it out on other people was wrong, so I engaged in self harm. Again, physical pain provides an emotional reset. Your husband is engaging in a very mild version of self harm. It does not make him dangerous, but is a sign that perhaps he could benefit from cognative behavioral therapy to learn healthier outlets for intense emotion.
This is both terrible behavior that you should absolutely stop and a clear indicator that the guy is also not worth being with. Don’t be that person, it’s horrible. You don’t have to “press him” about breaking up just break up and stop talking to him. Take the time to improve yourself
Thank you, because of a lot of his fear seems to be rooted from his past I can understand why he holds the fear, but it definitely is a problem when it comes to me being his partner. He’s had therapy in the past for different reasons and is pretty against doing it again when I mention it — but it might be worth a shot since my words alone don’t seem to help in a way he needs.
“How the hell do I move on and not fall back into this relationship?”
How the hell are you going to fall back in that relationship? HOW THE HELL? Quite easy, just by having a little bit of self respect.
You are worth much much more than that shit of a person. 6 years its a long time specially being so young, but you have got all your life ahead of you. Enjoy. Be happy.
Do you have social outlets outside your relationship? Do you have friends and hobbies that are just for you, or do you rely on your partner for most of your social interaction? Sometimes when one person is fulfilling more than one role, we start to think everything that person does is somehow about us. Your gf's Twitter likes are unrelated to her respect for you or the state of your relationship. They are not exchanging messages or meeting up in real life. You were out of line to even comment on someone liking her tweets. Try to zoom out and refocus on the big picture: the overall health and sustainability of your relationship.
Yes, if you continue to let him do it. At the moment he has no motivation to change because he knows you'll do it, there are zero consequences for his actions. He won't change
Your boyfriend is not entitled to your money. (except if that's both your money, if you own him money, etc). This reaction is not normal at all. You can spend your money on whatever your want, if it's not something bad for your health (drugs), illegal, etc, or if you own him money. My sister was /is in abusive relationship. The first thing this guy did is to control how much money she got on her account to be sure she doesn't have too much to be able to rent her own condo.
My ex did the very same thing. The condoms just went missing, and he denied their whole existence and then got mad at me for even opening the drawer and making up stories.
What you see is what she wants the world to see. Beautiful people can be awful partners, not because they are beautiful, but because they are just as flawed as everyone else. Beautiful people can smell bad, have bad breath, bad hygiene, shallow attitudes, addictions, obsessions, toxic behaviors such as manipulation, narcissism, and mental health issues.
Just because she puts herself on a pedestal for the world to see, doesn't mean you have to honor that pedestal and feel like she is looking down on you. Get on your own pedestal.
Neither of them would.. this is rural Ohio.. it’s weird here
Ahhh….had a similar experience when a loved one told me about a similar situation. I wanted to kill the bastatd, and because I couldn't it ate me up. My BP went rough the roof, and all I could do is pace, then I cried. Then I got mad again.
After the pacing stopped, I collected my thoughts and realized my priority was her. She had was the one hurt and all I had left in my arsenal was to be there for her, able to do whatever she needed from me. I was sick every time she started to open up to me. I wanted to vomit and the anger was so terrible, but I kept it in and became her sounding board. I reassured her constantly and often told her when I admired her. I haven't mentioned sparingly how brave I think she is and how strong she is (not wanting to bring up the topic often) but I do praise her often for being someone I look up to and admire. , or when she simply does something ge uinely impressive.
Any time she needs me, I'm ready to cry with her, hold her, and listen to her silently as she heals, and I told her all of this. I reassured her my reactions that first day were because I care for her and hate the man who hurt her, but that nothing about her has changed in my eyes, that she is still a wonderful person.
All this seemed to help, and though the pattern is still the same, it got better with time for both of us. Just be there for her and explain how you haven't changed towards her. She will need that.
Tell them. Friendship was over long ago.. you're just hiding your true feelings. Go for it and move on or watch her hook up again while you lurk in the shadow with your regret.
ha, sorry this just comes up so much here. there's really only one right answer and that's to go for it. don't be pathetic.
Is your MIL from a Slavic country by any chance? The Balkans or generally former Yugoslavia? She sounds like the right age to have been mucked up by the war(s). That’s for sure the reason my dad (and his mother too, who lived with us) is so angry and strange about food.
My thoughts exactly on this. My great great grandma (was around when I was a kid, she lived a long time) had some generational trauma from her own parents struggling with a famine before coming to the US. There's stories about how it really hurt her and my great great aunt. My great aunt in particular couldn't eat with her family— she'd wait till everyone was done and then eat at the table alone, super fast as she still struggled with the idea that the food could be ripped away from her again.
It obviously doesn't excuse OP's MIL, but I would not be surprised if it were caused by an issue like this or a non-food scarcity related eating disorder.
Because of the kids. Obviously my oldest is 12, I’ve been married to my husband for 20 years. She’s never been mean to the kids before. It was shocking to see her act this way to the kids- from what to me is just a trivial issue about hard cocoa and Nutella. She stayed in August and didn’t act that way. It just feels like the more she stayed the more she finally got comfortable with behaving how she did. I knew about the hoarding and she is that way at her home but when it came to being a guest at others homes I never saw her react so negatively. It could be the longer lengths of stay I suppose. Some behaviors aren’t obvious until you live! with someone for awhile.
People are complicated and relationships and the emotions that surround them are naked to navigate especially when you're young. That week break gave her some clarity which is a good thing. Your relationship was not working out and that is ok.
You are torturing yourself trying to figure out why her mind changed. I assure you it is not just about you “breaking down.” She does not have those strong feelings any more for you and that is ok. You have to accept rejection.
You are torturing yourself right now, hurting yourself by not moving on. You have to be kind to yourself.
Makes as much sense as anything.
Bonus, we on-line near a few good greenways and I happen to have just acquired some magic mushroom chocolate bars.
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Tell her to go on Tinder and leave your boyfriend out of it. There are plenty of straight guys who will be happy to nail her.
Be sure to do a test yourself, not in the flings control, because documents can always be faked.
These TikTok or wherever the hell you got it from “games” are obnoxious. As the guy who gets asked these, I now intentionally respond with offensive answers.
For your scenario I’d answer that adult humans can self-extricate while animals may not be able to. And then over night allergy? Sure. I’d get a hypoallergenic one.
I’d be irritated if I was him.
IKR, plus he never says how long the break was and why. He’s gross!
It's a way of coping with intense emotion. Physical pain often provides an emotional “hard reset”. I struggled with self harm for about a decade starting in my teens to deal with my anger. I didn't have an outlet for it, I couldn't make the feeling go away, and I knew that taking it out on other people was wrong, so I engaged in self harm. Again, physical pain provides an emotional reset. Your husband is engaging in a very mild version of self harm. It does not make him dangerous, but is a sign that perhaps he could benefit from cognative behavioral therapy to learn healthier outlets for intense emotion.
This is both terrible behavior that you should absolutely stop and a clear indicator that the guy is also not worth being with. Don’t be that person, it’s horrible. You don’t have to “press him” about breaking up just break up and stop talking to him. Take the time to improve yourself
Get your own drug test done to prove you're clean.
Thank you, because of a lot of his fear seems to be rooted from his past I can understand why he holds the fear, but it definitely is a problem when it comes to me being his partner. He’s had therapy in the past for different reasons and is pretty against doing it again when I mention it — but it might be worth a shot since my words alone don’t seem to help in a way he needs.
“How the hell do I move on and not fall back into this relationship?”
How the hell are you going to fall back in that relationship? HOW THE HELL? Quite easy, just by having a little bit of self respect.
You are worth much much more than that shit of a person. 6 years its a long time specially being so young, but you have got all your life ahead of you. Enjoy. Be happy.
But pp cause in vv so me can make exception
What you're doing here is not optimism.
Do you have social outlets outside your relationship? Do you have friends and hobbies that are just for you, or do you rely on your partner for most of your social interaction? Sometimes when one person is fulfilling more than one role, we start to think everything that person does is somehow about us. Your gf's Twitter likes are unrelated to her respect for you or the state of your relationship. They are not exchanging messages or meeting up in real life. You were out of line to even comment on someone liking her tweets. Try to zoom out and refocus on the big picture: the overall health and sustainability of your relationship.
Yes, if you continue to let him do it. At the moment he has no motivation to change because he knows you'll do it, there are zero consequences for his actions. He won't change
Thank you! I needed to hear that. I should’ve left long ago.
Your boyfriend is not entitled to your money. (except if that's both your money, if you own him money, etc). This reaction is not normal at all. You can spend your money on whatever your want, if it's not something bad for your health (drugs), illegal, etc, or if you own him money. My sister was /is in abusive relationship. The first thing this guy did is to control how much money she got on her account to be sure she doesn't have too much to be able to rent her own condo.
He isn't going to answer you on this one. He is following his guts for his naked evidence.
Who is asking not to bring her, the one organising the party or your other friend?
My ex did the very same thing. The condoms just went missing, and he denied their whole existence and then got mad at me for even opening the drawer and making up stories.
What you see is what she wants the world to see. Beautiful people can be awful partners, not because they are beautiful, but because they are just as flawed as everyone else. Beautiful people can smell bad, have bad breath, bad hygiene, shallow attitudes, addictions, obsessions, toxic behaviors such as manipulation, narcissism, and mental health issues.
Just because she puts herself on a pedestal for the world to see, doesn't mean you have to honor that pedestal and feel like she is looking down on you. Get on your own pedestal.