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Molly, 19 y.o.
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Date: October 31, 2022
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Please do him and yourself a favor and stop hinting. Hinting never works and just causes problems. I read everything you said, and I am left with the idea that you need to have a STOP EVERYTHING AND LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT wake up moment with him. (Like that right there. That got the attention, right?). He hasn’t heard a word you’ve said about your feelings because you 1. Haven’t made him 2. You are not speaking in words that break him out of his own world so he can understand yours. It doesn’t have to be an argument, or negative, but if he takes it that way, him finally getting it is better than you continuing to go through this.
Love, you already know what you need to do. If you are embarrassed by this, it's simply because you know. You know he is not good for you, your health, your future. You know you need to get clean, you know you need to fix some of your issues before being able to be a good partner and being able to recognize a good partner in someone else. You know you have daddy issues, you say it yourself, and you need to heal from that unless you want to bring those issues into all of your future relationships, romantic or otherwise.
You know what you need to do, and you have the power to do those changes. You just have to decide (not recognize, not admit, not realize, not consider – you need to decide) that you deserve the best chance at life you can give yourself.
Youre both 27?
Fucking hell.
Get a backbone. You aint nobody's mother or chef my guy. Hes a grown ass adult. Keep your own diet in check or pay for a dietician and nutritionist. End of.
Yall really out here getting treated like garbage and accepting it.
Want better for yourself king.
There's a difference between secrecy and privacy.
Well, you either want to marry her or want to break up with her. You can’t comment both in the same post.
Frankly, you sound like different people. You acknowledge that your friends understand you better than you girlfriend and realistically, those should be reversed. You seem to want more friends time than gf time. That being said, I’m happily married after wanting my bf to game less; he didn’t actually want more time with his friends, it was more escapism, but we wouldn’t have known if not for lots of in depth convo. It’s not a direct comparison, just showing you that compromise exists in every form.
A lot of this is very hot to say, because it depends so heavily on age and maturity and life goals. What do you want? If you love her and want to stay together, there’s ways to work around these issues. If you want to break up, we can walk you through that. But what I see is two people who love each other yet don’t understand each other, and matrix-like: that choice is up to you. We can help you grow together or we can help you realize it’s not meant to be. We can help you grow, or we can help you split. Unfortunately, the base decision is up to you and what you hold as priority in your life.
You’re so right, thank you
He never tried to even start a conversation about any of these things. He just did them. If we would have had an open conversation, we could have established healthier ways to both feel respected and heard. But instead it became secretive and hiding. I have always been open to communication, but the minute he has to find a middle ground so we both leave the situation happy, he just shuts it down or lies. That's the main reason I'm trying to find a healthy way to open this as a conversation with him so we can make new boundaries and compromises to each get what we want.
To make our financial situation easier I am going to be going into an apprenticeship as a body piercer, I already got it secured and just need to wait until our second child will be old enough for childcare. (About 6 weeks after he is born). That will solve the issue where we have to discuss every penny being spent and micromanage our finances. The vape issue was mainly a money thing. $160 could've been used towards childcare needs as he was using a mod that his friend was still willingly letting him use. I am actively finding time to watch porn with him and even suggesting it more than he asks me for it. I'm the only one reaching out and trying to compromise with him, but it doesn't seem to be good enough for him. And I can understand wanting a new hat, or a new belt or wallet. I have been needing new clothing that fits me because all of my clothes are not maternity sized. I have 2 pairs of pajama bottoms, and 3 shirts to cycle through. We on-line in Alaska, and the warmest coat I have is a hoodie. I don't own boots, and he has 3 pairs. I don't even have a bra that fits me properly. I think the most expensive thing I did in the last 5 months was spend $30 on a haircut because it was overgrown into a mullet after I had shaved it off myself due to postpartum hairloss. Any time I need something, I ask for it from him. He always tells me “we have this bill that we have to pay, we can try to get it next time we get paid”, then spends more money than I had asked for on something for himself. He gets starbucks for himself at least 3 times a week and we have a fully functioning coffee machine here at our house and coffee for him. And the reason I am needing help with him here at home and why it's hot for him to be at his friends house so late is I am currently 38 weeks pregnant. I have a scheduled c-section in a week and a half. My doctor put me on bed rest. He works in a town over, which happens to be 30 minutes away. His friend also lives in that town. If my water breaks, it is dangerous for me to go into natural labor due to my health conditions. The hospital I will have our son in is also in that same town. So I'm trying to make sure that everything is in order for both him and I. When he gets home, he doesn't do any chores, he doesn't do a lot for childcare, and he doesn't need to do much in regards to planning appointments or anything. I handle that all on my own. Our daughter is typically only awake for about an hour when he is home. He has to change her diaper 3 times max, and give her a bottle if she wakes up hungry in the middle of the night.
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He’s scared of turning in to his father so he’s just going to…. speed up the process? Even if you choose to not have your baby, I still wouldn’t stay in the relationship personally.
Bingo. She at the least has strong dependency issues.
You lost me at “cheated on me a couple times in the past”
She is going to cheat on you 100 percent. Have some self respect and cut her off.
Honestly, I would be surprised if you're the only one in the relationship with secrets. You're certainly not the only one in the relationship with insecurities. Hers are pretty over the top and controlling. Its usually the most insecure, jealous, controlling one who is most likely to cheat. What's up with her talking to a male colleague about your marriage issues? She does not need to know about every woman you find attractive or even every time you view porn as long as your porn use is not harming the relationship. I would go to marriage counseling or get out.
Isn't it ironic, her asking you to not post her pic anywhere…? You made the right choice and I do believe you will find that spark again. Wish you all the best.
From my experience it’s the 19 year olds who only friends were younger than them in school and so they stick around longer with younger people bc nobody likes them that is their own age
I’d wondering this too. A lot of art is very hot and suggestive. Not a lot of art is outrightly sexual, like masturbation or actual acts. I think some clarification would be helpful.
“A friend of my wife” first sentence
It took until I was 36 to get the negative influence of my father or of my life.
I flourished afterwards.
Enable your daughter to flourish every day from now on.
Sounds pretty reasonable to me. Be sure to tell him why, though, he needs to understand that his actions have consequences.
I’m not sure which country you’re in but if there’s no legal enforcement of arranged marriages, your bf has to choose between you and his parents.
So if she told you the truth, then she should go to the police, and you both should change your relationship boundaries, as while there is no excuse for what they did, the chances of it happening had the previous situation not happened is lower (not none, as there are horrible disgusting people in the world)
Unfortunately she might be lying to try to cover up that she broke your relationship boundaries and had sex with them both willingly. If this is the case then she is the horrible disgusting person.
Well, that's awesome… But what does that have to do with you asking a question about a relationship you are in?
This is what I got from it. But it sounds to me like sex is lower on his priority list than hers. They don’t seem very compatible imo.
You obviously don’t like her anymore, why not just break it off now, if you feel your relationship is based around consumerism rather than love then there is no hope. If you got married, would the vow ‘for richer or for poorer’ matter? If you think not then there is probably no future.
To start why not make a list of all the good and bad points in your relationship, compare and if you think it’s mostly bad then just break up.
There are multiple girls/guys I could jump in with, people in the group do it all the time and usually provide snacks or what they can. I might consider it if hes stuck on 50% flat
No, you should not give her an ultimatum.
Your girlfriend is still very young, basically a child, and going no contact with family is an extremely difficult thing to do – no matter how terrible they may be.
From what you describe, your girlfriend seems to have been told and shown that she has no control over her own life. As someone who loves her, your goal should be to help build her confidence and sense of independence and agency. Telling her she has to decide right now all or nothing would be emotionally manipulative.
You only have a right to decide YOUR boundaries. You don’t have to like her family, and if you don’t want to see them you can state that. However you can’t make the decision for her.
You should gently voice your concerns about how their behaviour impacts her, and encourage her to gain independence in different ways (moving out, limiting time spent with them, etc), encourage her to seek therapy (when she is ready) and help her get to a place where she feels ready to stand up for herself or assert her own boundaries.
You also need to accept that she may never cut off her family, and decide to what extent you’re willing to support her. I know it is frustrating hearing the same problems, and probably very sad to see someone you care about being mistreated. But it’s not for you to decide.
Many people experience extreme abuse, and stay in contact with their abusers for their entire life in some form – all for many different, and valid, reasons.
You are not a knight in shining armour, it’s not your job to rescue a damsel in distress. You can support her, offer to be there when she decides it is time for her to move on, but you can’t force her out.
No freaking way!!! He expects you to work and take care of a tiny 4 month old baby?!
Tell him he’s a shitty husband and father for failing to financially support his family.