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  1. You owe him nothing, you should go only if you feel you need closure. If you don't need closure, just block and ghost him. It seems that he never cared too much about your feelings, you are in no way obligated to care about his.

  2. Marriage after 4 month with a very clear desire to have kids and very on again off again about your personal decisions? Girl RUN

  3. I’m sorry this happened to you.

    Absolutely talk with your father about this. It sounds like your stepmom is not well and is actively trying to sabotage your relationship with your father.

  4. I'm sorry but premed me and resident (doctor) me were at least two Pokémon evolutions apart. You do realize that this person can't even drink legally in his country at present, and you're actively in your profession?

    Back the F up, your “desperation” to meet is creepy and has “robbing the cradle” energy.

  5. Hello /u/Commercial_Track_447,

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  6. It's not like she's even being subtle about this. Your dad needs to speak to her himself to ask her what's going on. Although possible, it may also possibly not be an affair, either way, they need to talk. You need to keep your distance from the conversation though

  7. I couldn’t be with someone who totally let themself go. Clearly she isn’t going to put in the effort and it’ll just get worse from here. People love to say whatever body you have is perfect but they’re wrong. A fat sloppy body isn’t perfect in any way, shape or form. I don’t exercise at all and all I eat is junk food, but I still manage to stay thin. It isn’t naked at all if you don’t eat or drink in excess. And I don’t want to hear excuses about depression or anything like that because I am severely depressed, but I still manage to not pack on 60 pounds. At most I’ll gain 4 pounds and in a few weeks have lost it again, that is normal weight fluctuations, anything over a 15 pound weight gain is not, because let’s be honest if you managed to gain 15 pounds or more you are most likely not going to shed the extra weight and instead just keep packing on more. You tried involving her in your exercises, she doesn’t want to hear it. She’s content being a whale and that’s fine for her, but that’s something you can only be okay with if your single. It’s annoying when your put in the effort to look good and your partner just completely gives up and does nothing but continue to slob around and pack on the pounds. I’d say she’s a lost cause and just find someone else.

  8. Exactly, hammering on about “health” — we have no idea what her health is actually like. Putting on 15kg doesn’t automatically shift the tide. It’s clear OP cares about appearance above all else.

  9. Hello /u/moistylink,

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  10. As somebody who had a deadbeat father that died thousands in arrears back when child support wasn't nearly as high as it is today, because he took the route of not working, I'm going to steadfastly disagree.

    You think neglect isn't a crime, that's what your adorable little quotations mean. You bring a kid into the world, you support them. Don't want to pay child support? Raise them yourself then.

    Want to play games and not work so you don't have to pay child support? Go be a bum in jail.

  11. You will not receive the care you desperately need if you don't talk about this stuff with your therapist. I can assure you that that therapist has heard a million times worse than what you're gonna tell them lol.

  12. Honestly, this is something your mom is going to have to figure out on her own. You are her child, and it is not your responsibility. You were not involved, and regardless of her motives, that is incredibly self-centered to make you choose. That’s telling your child you only get one parent now. If it were me, I’d let her know you don’t appreciate being put in the middle, and that if she cannot handle to be around you while you continue to see your dad, that it is a decision she will have to make, not you.

    She is trying to manipulate you by having you make the choice that is hers to make. Throw that ball back into her court. Either decision is going to be wrong, she just wants someone to blame.

  13. If your partner doesn't want to anything the only thing you can achieve is humiliating yourself. Either accept your partner is ok with her work friend getting touchy and flirty or leave her. Since she is fine with, how things are right now.

  14. She sounds like she’s treating you very poorly. Crying in response to a conversation about a relationship is immature and frankly, manipulative. It doesn’t lead to any real, effective change.

    You sound burned out, and she absolutely needs to start contributing. What does she even bring to the relationship? She demands you spend a ton of money on her as well as wait on her hand and foot? Plenty of people work while in grad school, so it’s not like she has no time to contribute to chores.

    What you need from her is an understanding of how unfair your dynamic is, and a real, honest effort to do better. Crying and apologizing is useless if it doesn’t come with an attempt to improve the relationship. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, but you do need to have a grown up conversation about it.

  15. No, that's fine. You did nothing but firmly and neutrally set a boundary. It's better than saying, “Oh, I'm not really sure, I'm not that comfortable holding babies, sorry”, because then they won't take you seriously and will keep offering the baby (it's kind of what new parents do). They are unlikely to ask you again because you were unwavering about what you wanted, and I think you should be proud of yourself for that. Besides, it's not like you went, “Ew, no, don't make me hold it” either. No is probably one of the best things you could have said for yourself. 🙂

  16. This is a medical issue. Sounds like LOW BLOOD PRESSURE and/or SUGAR.

    It’s easily fixed – if she believes it’s an issue. My dad didn’t…. So now we avoid him…

  17. Do you really think he wasn’t in on that? That he didn’t call and get them to plant such a good story of him saying he won’t go with out you in TEXT message?

  18. Thank you for your time and advice. I knew the fwb thing wasn’t smart I just didn’t want to let go of the relationship I guess, but such is life and whatever happens in the future happens and I will cross that bridge when I get there.

    Thanks again

  19. Mistake – an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong

    Just because someone does something on purpose doesn't make it not a mistake. She should definitely fess up and accept the consequences, and what she did was a shitty thing to do.

    However, it doesn't mean it wasn't a mistake or that she shouldn't be able to apologise and ask for forgiveness. Equally, her husband doesn't have to forgive or show her any consideration.

  20. Lots of issues here. First ignoring you is called stonewalling (google stonewalling in relationships and solutions for it) and is shitty just by itself. Second, you didn’t mention this but it’s the biggest issue and it’s why you fought. If he’s bothered with how you asked him, he should have said that the first time you asked. “Hey are you telling me I need to help you? Cuz I’d prefer to be asked.” Then you could have clarified it, instead he ignored you three times. So when you understandably were frustrated that he ignored you, instead of owning up to how shitty it was for him to ignore you he counter attacked you saying you did something wrong, ie he shifted focus from him being accountable for his behavior to him being mad at you for yours. That’s classic defensiveness (google yo explore the concept and solutions if you’re not familiar). If he’s upset he needs to say it right away, not hold onto it and then use it to deflect your feelings when you’re upset. And him saying his feelings matter too is bullshit. He can’t use his hurt feelings to deflect yours. If he wants his feelings to matter he needs to treat yours like they do as well, and that means respond to your concern about his behavior not shift to discuss his concern about your behavior.

    Third, transactional is not because it works and is convenient, that’s getting complacent, transactional is where you’ll only do something for someone if they reciprocate right away. The reason why this matters is because your relationship is anything but transactional, if anything it’s too far on the other end of the spectrum. You continue to give regardless of his effort. You’re enabling his lack of effort. He doesn’t need to do anything and you keep doing so much. Stop doing that. He either needs to reciprocate or express appreciation, or else you’re enabling the imbalance. Try something like this “hey just so you know I don’t see the point to continue doing (insert) because you don’t seem to like. If you do like it though, I’m happy to continue doing if you’ll be more willing to express appreciation or to reciprocate my effort as a way to show me you do like it.” If he insists you do it with out him reciprocating or appreciating it, just tell him that’s not how you work, that if he likes something that’s how you need him to show it, or else it’s naked to believe him.

  21. Sex outside of marriage is a sin according to the Bible. The next time he wants sex, tell him he’s not very religious.

  22. How you’re feeling is absolutely normal. Almost everyone feels that immediate tinge of regret and start to think about the good times and question their decision.

    But when you come back to reality and put things into perspective, do you really think you made a mistake?

  23. Is there something else about going to a game that may have her upset? Do you get blackout drunk and brawl with the opposing team's fans or something? Come home and piss yourself? Did her ex do these things? If those aren't regular occurrences, y'all should be able to enjoy time without each other – whether that's alone or with other people. My husband goes to concerts all the time without me, but always gives me a heads up in case I want to join him or we have something else planned that he forgot about (I'm almost always glad to have a night to myself once in a while). If you do, indeed, want to occasionally do things with your friends/family/by yourself that don't involve her or that she's not interested in, tell her that, and why it's important to you. You should both have things that enrich your lives outside of your relationship.

  24. Sounds like he wants a beggars banquet of sexual delights before he settles down…

    the prostitute = non-emotional, pure animal lust sex. One and done.

  25. Honestly you can play a joke right back. Whenever he enters a room play that clown song that “dadadadada dot dot dadada” I don’t know how to spell it. He walks out and back in ask them Dj to play it. I would also allow him pictures because it would look really cool in black and white. And maybe even surprise him if you got yourself a red adorable clown nose. And say “ love you anyway”

    Can’t beat em, join him. He won’t get the reaction he wanted. He will see your family and you love him. Or at least understand him.

  26. Sure internet stranger. Let me feed you validation by trying to reassure you – a person I have never met – that I care about dick size.

    “My gf lied. She said she liked cake so I fed her a brownie. She loved it. This proves she hates cake.”

    ???? Tell us another one.

  27. Sometimes partners grow in a way that is no longer compatible with the relationship. In those situations it’s best to end the relationship and move on.

    If you really want to make it work then at a minimum you need to figure out what all beliefs he’s adopted. Like is he now a homophobe? Does he think women should be submissive? Does he believe women should have the right to bodily autonomy? If you two have kids does he expect to raise them as Christians? Would he expect you to stay home with kids? Does this impact the kind of marriage he wants? Like would he expect you to convert to Christianity to marry him? Would this impact your finances? Does his particular brand of Christianity require large contributions or tithes?

    You need to figure out who he has become to decide if he is someone you can even be with anymore.

  28. Honey, why are you accepting this as what you deserve?

    You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.

    Why is it your job to save her from herself?

    She booked a nonrefundable surgery without enough money to pay for it, she loses her deposit.

    She gets a dog she can't care for, she returns it.

    She should be your partner, not your project.

    You can't fix her. You can't save her. You can only decide how you deserve to be treated. A good therapist can help you with this.

  29. Has he always wanted children? If you have known from the beginning that he wants kids & you don't, why did you continue for over a decade. Break up now.

  30. Idk, most athiests don't send thrir children to religious schools. You can pass down your culture without the religious aspect.

  31. Thankyou for the comment – I do really appreciate it.

    He hasn’t exactly gotten into a new group of friends, I guess he used to be a little bit of a wild child… he would drink often and have very short lived relationships that wouldn’t stick… till me! When we met I was very happily single and he was the one who chased me, I was hesitant about commitment and he was the one who sort of initiated the entire relationship. For the first year (again, even at that point his longest relationship) he was beyond perfect. He liked the fact I’m a non drinker and enjoyed non alcohol related activities, now he seems to have lost interest. Part of me worries he was trying to settle down because he felt it was “time to settle down” rather than because I’m the one for him. Thoughts?

    I haven’t considered that he might be cheating; however if he is I have to know in myself that it says more about him than it does me. I try to believe that he would leave rather than cheat… but I’ve been burned before!

    Do you have any pointers for how I could possibly open the conversation in a non inflammatory way? I’m conscious of his feelings too and I don’t want to sound like I’m attacking him… but I just don’t feel loved or appreciated anymore. Im no Megan Fox … ? but I’m not hideous, I’m smart and I like to think I’m kind and honest and overall a good catch…. Im aware that if he doesn’t love me someone out there would…. I just really wanted it to be him! I still get butterflies when I kiss him for heavens sake…

    Thankyou again x

  32. You sound like you had a similar experience then? I am just disheartened that I see such massively different perspectives on this on seemingly gender based lines. I was hoping for some kind of middle ground assessment between women seeing me as Ted Bundy and men seeing me as a helpless victim. Surely the truth is in the middle?

  33. Run OP. Run run run. He's given you a crystal ball vision of how he's going to treat you after you are tied down to him with marriage, living together, a baby, etc. Run Run Run.

  34. i was on your side 100% until you mentioned policing his instagram. y'all are both controlling hypocrites.

  35. Tbh I moved in with my husband after we dated for six months bc both our leases were up. It isnt necessarily fast, but I was 25 and he was 28. I asked a year in if we were attempting a long haul that would lead to marriage bc I need clear and concise expectations.

    Yeah, its off with his sister, and it isnt something he likely admit to. But it seems like they already have a rule to maintain a degree of distance. I cant really tell.

  36. I agree he can’t blame his roommate. I have brought this up and he always just says he hates the house as a whole and just gave up on it altogether. I don’t really understand it because i would still personally take care of my own rooms in the house even if the rest of it sucked. He promises he won’t put all the housework on me when we online together but i am doubting it….he also has a super messy car :/

  37. Or homosexual or disabled or who had friends of a different race or, or or. I come from an extremely conservative Italian/Irish background on both sides and I have 2 adult children (half black) 1 homosexual, one transgender. Didn’t know the odds and don’t care. Only care that them being POC and LGBTQIA has increased the risk for harm coming to them.

  38. Half your age plus 7 is normally what's socially acceptable. You're not in that range so I'd be pretty serious with my questions about how it would work out. I'm not saying don't do it. Just go into it with both eyes wide open.

    At 20 I dated a guy that was 36. He was too immature. Felt like I was with another 20 year old guy. Not what I was looking for.

  39. LOL you don't know bullied people too well, do you? They laugh and act like it's nothing, so as to stop further bullying. Harassing someone because of their physical appearance isn't amusing. Or so we've all been told on here often enough.

  40. is trying to be empathetic and understand why this can make her this upset and angry with me is being in denial…?

  41. If I'm reading this correctly it sounds like a real mess so the two you on-line together but for some reason you two broke up and she's moving into your parents house into an in-law suite, why? Or am I misunderstanding in the two of you currently on-line in an in-law suite at your parents house and she's leaving there soon to go somewhere else. Hence that is why the rent is super cheap. If it's the first then I don't understand why she's moving into your parents house unless they absolutely adore her and are mad to you or breaking up. And why does she even have her stepson, doesn't this kid have his own mother and father? Why are they not involved with stepson and why does she have this kid at least 5 days a week does she have full custody of a child that's not even hers biologically, did she adopt the stepson? In any case this sounds like a real mess and I don't think she should be putting demands on who can come in where you online because she's leaving. I do agree much having him see her bedroom. Just leave it so if you do have him come he sees your kitchen and living room and leave it at that.

  42. I would say he’s pretty happy staying at home a lot. I could pay for trips but I think he’d say that he’d have to miss work and wouldn’t get paid. He works basically 7 days a week

  43. He should not be hiding you or your stuff but then again he should not be having his ex gf come over to the flat either

    As a man, the only way it makes sense for me what he did was if she is emotionally unstable and would not have handled the fact that he is with someone else well at all. But, then again, he should not really be having her come over to his flat either.

    Generally speaking, it's best if both parties move on from the failed relationship and do their best to not communicate with that the other person. Yes, it does suck, as very often it's losing a partner and a best friend but it is what it is…

    I would also have a conversation with him to draw a line in the sand about that and make your feelings known about the situation

  44. Truly great Chicago discussion: do you prefer the red line or the green line? Some people will ride one but refuse to ride the other.

  45. Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. Your Dad sounds like he was a decent man. What I would say to you is that if she did not want contact with your Dad, then her wishes should be respected. I can't speak for her, but she does have her family with her Mum and Adoptive father.

    She does, however, need to know that her biological father is dead. If I were you, I'd write a message like this:

    Dear [Sister's Name]

    My name is [Your name], and I am [Your Dad's name's] daughter. I need to let you know that Dad passed away. It was sudden, but he wasn't in any pain when he went.

    If you have any questions, then you can contact me. My number is [phone number]. I appreciate we don't know each other and that Dad wasn't an active part in your life, so if you decide not to reach out, I understand.

  46. If I were anyone in your generation, I would absolutely want the warning to protect my own kids.

  47. The root of this is jealousy and insecurities on his end. Which is fine. Id simply ask him to ask away the questions he has about your sexual past, while its not his business you seem to not have any shame behind it which you shouldn't, and then ask him if there is anything he wants to try that he hasn't done before. A lot of things stem from not sharing 1st experiences and jealousy / insecurities surface in those instances. Suggest to him that you know he hasn't reacted well to these things in the past however that you acknowledge that it mostly stems from not knowing how to process that information in a healthy manner because he has never had to process this kind of information before. Also try to go through the spicer app with him, if its your 1st time using the app thats something you can do with him thats a 1st. A yes / no / maybe questionnaire. You both download the app. Answer questions and see where you overlap with sexual likes / dislikes / and maybes. Its ok for him to be jealous its normal. Especially for younger people its how you process and move forward together.

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