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Date: September 3, 2022
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I don’t think I’d ever do it but if the opportunity presented itself I might cave in. It really depends sometimes you just know your partner is lying but you can’t say anything because you don’t have any evidence. Obviously this only goes for mild and insignificant things for more serious things I think snooping would be fine
Snooping Is bad. I would never accept if my girlfriend wouldn't show me her phone, but i wouldn't do it behind her back.
I think, she doesn't need to leave her friend group just because some dude can't comprehend that some girls only want to remain platonic with them.
That said, 3 things need to happen here:
1) You need to have a conversation WITH her about expectations for this scenario. She shouldn't expect you to act like a hot-headed teenage just because some dude from caught the feels. And, you should tell her you expect that she will distance herself from this friend at least in the short term so that his crush can blow over. Especially, considering that he was pressuring her with respects to your relationship. That doesn't mean she can't be in a group of people with him. Just that she shouldn't go out of her way to interact with him and shouldn't communicate privately with him.
2) Your girlfriend (and maybe she already has done this) needs to make sure she communicates to this guy that they will never date and that he needs to respect her relationship. Even if you broke up that they won't date – he's just a friend. period. That they should only socialize as a part of their friend group for now – no private texting, etc… That way she has communicated to him that this is inappropriate.
3) You should actually hang out with her new friends, like she suggests. And, let her develop her friendships with people. One day his crush will be a thing of the past and hopefully this will all be a big nothingburger. Just act like a charming, well adjusted adult and don't go and get into a pissing match.
Book it
Are you having a stroke? He doesn’t want police shutting down a function where he JUST purchased! Maybe you just like to argue?
Wtf is wrong with people in your replies Dude it is a big deal People who love you should care and offer you empathy and support. You don' t have a gf, just make it official and break up, her behavior is sociopath level.
You need to respect what she wants as hot as it is. She doesn't owe you a relationship based on how you feel. I wouldn't text yet, let yourself grieve and heal and when your ready send her a hello text sometimes friendships work after a breakup up more so when it's a mutual breakup. So if you can't be friends ever that's okay to.
What do you get out of this relationship? Why do you want to salvage it?
What a sad way to view this
Oh my god, this totally clicks. Thank you. you've given me me a lot to think about
Easy – you need to discuss it with your gf.
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probably, I would not see myself doing something like this in social media but probably telling it to my friends to like “lets see if we can have a great 2nd date or even become something”.
Dont take it wrong but nowadays having a relationship is more of girl's sided than man's sided, we ain't used to being treated great or having great times in dates or even getting further than the first date because we live in a world were the male is expected to make most of the moves and be perfect (not saying this is womens fault btw dont take it wrong)
Might just be a case of someone lonely (prob without lots of friends) who hasn't had a good date in a while and just needed to share it with someone.
Its like telling your problems to randos online, sometimes you just need someone to talk or tell smth and well you simply dont have it.
I would not ditch the guy so fast, I would get to know him better first
And update us on the fireworks if you catch to see what happens.
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That’s right but I’m not her life partner, we’re in a strong relationship but not yet thinking about marrying / becoming life partners. It seems she wants to broaden her social circle and meet more people whereas I’m interested in focusing on a small set of my old friends and her. You think this is something we should work on or something that’s not gonna change?
Dude. I may not have ever been on the streets, but I've been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused as well as severely medically neglected, coupled with going through untreated psychosis. I have oodles of trauma. I had to grow up fast. I don't want to fuck teenagers because as an adult, the thought of that makes me want to vomit.
Hell, if both parties or the kid in the relationship “grow up fast”, that's far worse. Traumatized, abused, and impoverished people are easier to take advantage of. If I see that a kid is extremely mature for their age, that's a red flag that their living conditions aren't good.
Why are you reaching so hot to justify pedophilia?
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Yeah constantly bitching at each other (doesn't matter if you call it “nagging”), kids can pick up on. It's not a healthy condition for a kid, and I'm speaking because I have a 1.5 y.o with my SO of 5 years.
Ps, you can also tell yourself whatever you want, you've known this man for less than a year and him reducing what you think to nagging says a lot about what he think of your experience in the relationship. And that's a direct result of your age gap. I'm closer to his age than yours and I have been your age when you think you can tell all the warning signs
How is unexpectedly becoming completely responsible for the care of a grown person unrelated to you, in an incredibly difficult situation, the same as birthing and learning to care for a child you elect to have??
She’s only here to support OP! His sister is his sister and it’s unreasonable for her to be required to make the same sacrifices as OP to support him??
Please please one thing I have to disagree with stop with the “because he is enormous” the bigger you are the lest risk people will take but the more danger you are in people get shot stabbed and jumped just because of how they look and their presence. You don’t know how crazy a person is and if they are close to snapping that a personal risk that YOU need to decide are you going to take.
After a point we realize you are never going to stop ruining our lives about a thing that did not even occur, so we cut you loose. Bye.
I mean you definitely have issues and need to work on your jealously….but at the same time i don’t get why people keep acquaintances around like that when they’re in a relationship. You’re dating someone so why entrain a conversation/friendship with someone who’s into you. He’s 30+ he doesn’t need friends of the opposite gender in there 20’s who slide in their dm’s at 4am. People like that are just drama imo.
How often do I have to repeat myself? The issue here is not him sleeping with someone but sleeping with his dead wife’s sister. That’s the issue here. Stop missing the point on purpose. Also I never said he cheated. I said he betrayed and disrespected his wife.
Do you want the rough patch to turn into a divorce? If yes, then go for it, you might be doing your wife a favor that way.
Dude, it's skinny dipping. Don't be a prude
I've known a few women like that. I think it's cute.
Thank you for the comment and for wishing me well!
Honesty is always the best in dealing w kinks.
Neurotypical and Neurodivergent
She is your kids tutor AND babysitter ( presumably often. ) she is a fairly large part of your families life and he probably sees her a similar to one of his children.
In a similar situation I would show a similar response too. Don’t accuse him of cheating because he cares about someone who happens to be female. Maybe look at yourself and wonder why someone so close to your family being severely injured doesn’t seem to bother you much at all?
Are you able to access the text messages through your cell phone provider?
This is cheating man. Whether it’s just emotional or it’s gone as far as securing, who knows, but it’s definitely cheating.
One thing I cannot stand is a lazy man. Girl, just run away from him and never look back. You’re still young and can do much better.
UpdateMe!
Have you read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft? There’s a section where he talks about abusive men who claim to lose control of themselves when their partners made them angry – except they always broke their partners’ things when they were upset, never their own. If there’s a pattern to his behavior where he “loses his temper” but somehow only manages to damage the things you own, then he is in complete control of himself during these fights and breaking the things you own to punish you. If that’s the case, there’s nothing you can do to change his behavior; this is a deliberate choice he is making every time he’s upset with you.
Your burying the lede a bit here, this is the second comment about him not allowing you to see your family. Does he normally control when you are and aren’t allowed to leave the house? Cuz that’s a way bigger problem than moving an hour away.
Are you genuinely concerned that he would forbid you from visiting your family–like physically restrain you or something?
An hour is not a long commute. Many people commute that far each way daily for their work. Driving an hour to visit family may be different than you're used to but it's not a huge barrier.
Change is hot, but what's the worst that happens if you give this a shot? You hate it and move back to your home town? Saying no is a no to something that clearly matters a lot to your husband. It's opportunity for him to be closer to his family for a change. It's a chance to let your kids experience something different. Why not give it a year? Life is long. A year won't break you, and your husband will appreciate your willingness to prioritize his happiness. That's important too; staying in the little bubble of your perfect hometown is not the only thing that matters.
I would slowly start saying no when we she asks for a ride. Like “sorry not today, busy.” “Can't, gotta run some errands.” “Hey you're on you're own today, I'm in a rush.” Eventually she'll get the hint and will return to her old routine
She thinks you her sugar daddy. Maybe find someone nearer to your age.
I briefly dated a guy with a major foot fetish but we didn’t get far enough for me to try it out— just enough for it to be clear it was definitely a thing he liked. I was down to try it out, I’m not especially titillated by feet but I like feet and hands and they’re both sensitive parts of the body so it’s not like an alien planet to imagine why he might’ve liked it.
It’s totally okay to not be interested in any sexual activity for any reason. Sometimes couples can work around mismatches, sometimes they can’t— you’ll find out eventually whether it works or you’re incompatible.
If you’re incompatible, don’t stress about it. You’re very young, most relationships don’t work out anyway. This post comes across very stressed. It’s okay if things don’t work out.
The major red flag here is:
You hate feet, rather than being neutral
You seem very stressed and to almost feel violated by the concept
and
You find the idea of incorporating feet into intimacy to be disgusting and degrading
If you hate something or feel gross doing it, don’t do it.
Not everyone likes feet, but not everyone hates them. It’s probably not a good idea to date someone whose kinks and fetishes and tendencies make you feel stressed out or objectified by.
Personally, I don’t mind feet. They’re ticklish, kind of cute, and people often like them massaged. That’s about all my feelings about them. If my partner disclosed having a foot thing, I’d be interested in trying it because I like sex with my partner and feel comfortable with him and am not grossed out by feet themselves.
It kind of sounds like you don’t feel sexually comfortable with your partner in general, and you come across as very uncomfortable with a sexual interest he has.
As a general rule: Try what you feel comfortable with, don’t try what you don’t feel comfortable with.
Also, if you for any reason don’t feel comfortable with your partner or don’t feel comfortable sexually experimenting with them, and things just seem gross or objectifying or overwhelming, it’s okay to break things off.
You don’t have to try anything, and if the prospect of sex with someone feels more stressful than fun, they’re probably not the one for you!
Indefinitely am happy but I didn’t know he wasn’t. When we first got together he wanted nothing to do with his family. Obviously the years went by and things changed.
They never pop by unannounced. He doesn’t really see them that much honestly but I do.
Honestly while this gent doesn’t exactly sound like a catch, it sounds like nothing you’ve done so far has been remotely appropriate.
Good boy
Block him, if you don’t want him don’t entertain him anymore. He made his bed, that’s for him to figure out.
I myself have been harassed by women in my workplace, while i dont had violence happen against me other stuff did happen.
Stuff where i needed to step and tell women of for touching me while i am in a relationship.
people like your bf and bff suck so much, omg how can anyone who claim to love you can be such an AH
Then how does he define this “situationship”? What is he doing thats inappropriate? Even if its just flirting its disrespectful to you.
Why do you need to break off the friendship over this? As we grow as people and develop new relationships, old ones tend to change, and that’s okay. He sounds like a busy guy who does still care about you but has a lot going on with his new relationship at the moment.
Most of the time, this levels off as people grow more used to being in a relationship. There’s no reason to stop being friends with him in the meantime. You should also not being keeping score over what is “owed” in a friendship.
It is quite obvious that he is just a step away of doing irreversible physical harm to you. I hope you can see that coming. And for someone to find pleasure on inflicting harm to someone he was supposed to care and love like a flower, is simply sick.
It is quite obvious as well that he prioritizes these sick “games” ahead of your well-being, your relationship with him and probably your child.
You need to grow and be a mature woman to earn respect you deserve. Otherwise you will end up manipulated to his sick own goals.
Just stop by to eat on our way home from work. It's good because we get to vent out work related stuff. Also, I can afford it with my current job.
He's always very appreciative. Surprised him with a birthday gift if that counts … different scenario though .. fingers crossed that it goes well. lol
Yeah I feel like once OP moves out , they might want to open the relationship, then just see other people.
If you’re not happy living with her then you should break up, it’s not fair of you to ask her to go back in the relationship.
Also have you considered that cost maintaining your own home and supporting your kid cause that seems like a lot.
Agreed. Also what was really going on when he was supposedly just a “friend ” sleeping at her place?
That wasn’t a no, so I say reach out in two weeks.
Note: sometimes women will be very polite and not explicitly say no to men as that can often escalate. So I’d say reach out in two weeks and see if she’s still interested. If you get the same response, essentially, “I’d love to but I’m very busy,” just say, “Well, reach out when you’re free and we’ll make plans,” then cut your losses and move on. This way, you’re putting the ball in her court but if she was just trying to be polite, you can gracefully back away without stressing her out.
TLDR you’ll find out in two weeks.
If he is mean you should, if you don't feel safe leaving
Why even be involved with all this noise? Go find someone you don’t feel like you need to check up on like that. Not worth your effort girl.
Try it out, how can you predict the future?
Dan, would where you stand and probably be happy to meet your partner
If he can't consider to stop watching porn to make you comfortable, then he's probably not the right one for you. Imo porn is ok if in moderation, but if a serious romantic partner asked, the answer is to stop because for it to not be more important than her, I would have to put her above it.
Why would the hacker talk to these women about fishing….Lmaoo please just don’t
Why are your grandparents even letting you foot the bill? You’re in your 20s?
Stay strong. You've got this. And thank you
Just believe her when she shows you what you mean to her!
Sooooo let me get this straight: you don't care what your husband does as long as he doesn't tell you the details and pays for everything you want, and your husband is upset that fucking your best friend changed how you act within your relationship…
You need to have more self respect than this. He's gearing up to leave you for your friend anyway. “You just don't understannnnnnnnd me!!” Is the classic bullshit justification for cheaters who leave their partners. The implication is “you don't understand me like (affair partner) does, I deserve to be with somebody who hasn't been emotionally destroyed by my behavior!” It's what they tell themselves so they can sleep at night, so you may as well prepare to be without access to all of his financial resources. You're better off without him anyway, which makes your children better off by proxy, because seeing you hanging onto a miserable, broken relationship hurts them, too.
If you can't see a future why would you stay?
Your boyfriend might be a pedophile my dude.
What are you trying to save? – He didn’t respect you or your marriage enough to stop fucking his stepsister when you ran out crying. – He stayed at your house with his stepsister everyday until she left, probably still sleeping with her while you were distraught at your parent’s house. – He didn’t even care about your feelings or relationship enough to reach out and check in on you until after she left. – He’s not even taking responsibility for his actions. Being bipolar isn’t a free pass at cheating, plenty of people have BPD and don’t cheat.
The thing you owe to your children is a mom that is genuinely happy and respects and loves herself. – If the same thing happened to your kids would your tell them to stick around or would you tell them to leave?
I don't understand why you refer to this as financial and emotional incest instead of codependency or some other term.
So at best he needs help that you're not capable of giving him directly, all you can do is refer him to people that can help him. Which you've done.
I mean, how would you feel if he actually killed himself while you were off saying he's “emotionally volatile” and “honestly wanting to die”…
It sounds like she’s not caring about herself much these days so it might be a stretch asking for much from her. She sounds depressed. My advice is to suggest she get some help for herself.
You don’t. If you did you would share the details. I’m out.
they wouldn't stop to visit me on their way home after the birth because she was hurting, even though she had pain killers she could have taken and she “didn't feel right” according to my son.
What the actual fuck? They have a newborn and the mother had a v-section. Father’s priority is taking that child and mother safely home. You’re not the priority here. If my mom pulled any of the shit you were doing, I’d kick her to the curb. That’s speaking as someone who had a baby recently.
A woman about to give birth is a stressful time before, during and after. My wife needed me and her parents by her side (video call). The rest is secondary. Sorry but that’s how it goes if someone is going to push a literal human being out of them.
The 'call me mr.' + the photos is skeeving me out from here. It doesn't seem like grooming but how creepy. If you want to set a boundary, that you're not comfortable with the teacher rp requests let him know, and see if it's something he's willing to move beyond. If you think he's really just trying to get that thrill of finally banging that teenager he used to lust after, you'll see the signs. Good luck.
Here's the deal: you can choose to take this useful advice or you can be alone… and probably continue to be alone until you eventually decide you have to take this advice. It's your choice.
But if you like this girl, I'd take it now. Nobody cares about anybody's pasts. She likes you for the current you, not for the past you. She likes you for the you that you've grown to be. And I think that would be an unfortunate thing to waste.
So now everyone here is delusional…
It wasn't necessary, but thank you for further proving my point.
Op, I wish I could give you a hug. Sadly your brother is right. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm if they’d rather stay out in the storm. You have to put yourself first.
Maybe someday your sister will come to her senses, but don’t wait on that, and don’t let her expect that you will when & if she comes crawling back after leaving him and wanting free childcare.
How do people marry people like this. Barbarians stuck in the past. Treating their wives like property. Abusive.
Yes, leave him. Don't feel bad about it. You've wasted your life with him. You've taught your kids it's okay to be abused. Run.
?? you’re pretty angry about this huh?
Such maturity. Wonderful quality for a father and partner.
Love how you're changing your story now though. You'll have to forgive my utter skepticism. Your behaviour towards your girlfriend was disgraceful and you should apologise. But you clearly won't.
Enjoy seeing YOUR son every other weekend.
It means that to the OP, looking at gay and trans people and POC like lesser beings is not something that matters 😀 Since he's not kind to them, but he's kind where it matters in her opinion…. Yikes. Seems she is not so kind herself. I think they may be a perfect match.
I guess it’s all easy for me to say, all my exes are at least a state away, some are hundreds of miles away. Bumping into one is unlikely.
All but one of them I think I could be super cordial with. Lots of water under those bridges
If this is real, the way you describe this man the whole way thru, every single interaction, he is unhinged. I'd have been immediately scared off for 100% good (I'm really secure and comfortable with my boundaries, no question) when he was telling the guy he was in love w you in the restaurant on the 2nd date. And then the alcohol, he is clearly manic or unhinged in some way and very abusive. How can you not see this? Absolutely 100% love bombing. It would take a good year to get to know someone, for me, to know if I would even want to have a serious monogamous relationship w them. Any connection that feels superficial or shallow in any way is a HUGE RED FLAG and then add substance use disorder and abusive actions on top of it?
I’m tired of hearing stories about trans people not disclosing early on, and putting everyone in uncomfortable situations.
Yep, it's even more pleasurable for men because it hits their G spot. Convince her by being the example OP!
NTA, but he sure is. That's coercive. Turn down the bj next time, too, and see how mad he gets. It's going to be worse.
Thank you so much. I scrolled and read a random highlighted portion that ended up being entirely spot on.
The only part about this I can't believe is how thoughtful, kind and mature you have been through this whole thing.
It was really incredible to see the amount of thought that went into all of this and I hope that, together or apart, you will be blessed for your humility, openness and in knowing you did your best to tlbe their for one another.
All the best OP ??❤️
“Some stranger is going to assault her so I have to assault her first or else she will never learn” is a terrible lesson. Someone has bias but it’s not this sub.
Dude could have sat her down and had a serious talk with her about his concerns, but ultimately it is not his place to force her to internalize a message, nor overpower her and force her to “surrender”. What on earth is wrong with you.
Another way to approach this would be offering to do some self defense sparring or looking up self defense classes with a, “I know you say you can handle yourself but I’m still concerned. There are always skills to learn, how would you feel about a class like this?”
There are so many ways to communicate this message that do not require physically restraining someone you care about while they are crying and terrified. Like Jesus fuck my dude, it’s horrifying you think this is that black and white.
Shes right though…200 hundred years ago slavs, irish, italians and many other europeans who are now generally accepted as white weren't. I come from a mixed italian/latin background. You'd look at us and say we're right but both my parents grew up in a country that didnt see my Italian American father as qhite or my latin american mother as white. If the racists ever win and get their ethnostate your gf, and my family wont be on the list of acceptable whites.
Not really lol just don’t be mean to other people.
Thank you! There is no history of cheating. My most insecure thoughts come from him asking me to have an open relationship from time to time and or asking for 3 somes. That makes me think he’s into other women
If she is doing this to everyone, I'd say it's really likely she is going through a difficult time, may even have developed a mental illness. Try talking to her and getting her to open up, she likely needs support right now.
Op, you haven’t done anything wrong. Even in the past. Be wary of your partner. There is a power imbalance here because of age difference and and she is using very strong and untrue accusations to make you doubt yourself and to control you.
Think what is behind this? She might be worried that you are so much younger that you will meet someone your own age.
Please stick up for yourself and don’t just see things her way.
Tbh if this were me I'd either throw a drink in the dad's face or outright slap him. Maybe then he will get the message? Regardless, you shouldn't be with someone who allows his family to harass you. My husband would be disgusted and probably fight his dad if he ever said anything like that to me. The dad is a POS and the boyfriend doesn't fall far from the tree either.
Clearly, you’ll keep crossing oceans for him when he wouldn’t even step over a puddle for you. You can do better with someone who will treat you right and defend you against his shit family. Please don’t let the sunken cost fallacy keep you from leaving.
Thanks.. could potentially be a hot conversation. I supposed we’ve dabbled with the idea of only being with each other. Perhaps I interpreted that as being committed without a very hot understanding that we were committed. I’m scared to hear that he might want to talk/see other people but still keep me in his life
Wow you must be a unicorn then to find your partner does nothing wrong and makes mistakes that you don’t like, like something he forgot to pick up around the house or little things that may get under your skin but for the general population it’s actually a pretty common occurrence
I think this is a really fair and reasonable comment. My bf definitely wanted me to discuss boundaries that would ensure I wasn’t in as much danger of it happening again which was completely fair. We also both saw therapists individually to work through the trauma. I think he struggled to believe me for a little bit because I hadn’t told him right away, lied about who it was, and we weren’t in the best place in our relationship. But he also saw me having panic attacks, selling our bed because I didn’t want to use it ever again, sleeping on the couch, and not being able to go in our bathroom in the dark but not being sure why.
This all sounds like a mess. Is he your best friend or a boyfriend?
You need to revisit this conversation, and here's what I think it should look like:
“I am here, asking my spouse who I've promised my love and devotion to for the rest of my life, whether there is a problem. I have spent time self-reflecting, I have asked others for advice, I have read about the issues I see in our relationship and communication, and I have implemented all the suggestions I was able to gather from those sources. But I still see and feel the same issues, and because I have pursued all other avenues to address them, I am now coming to you and asking you.”
“I opened a dialogue between you, my husband, the man that I chose over all others, and myself, the person who, at the end of the day, I have to spend more time with than anyone else, because I am the one who lives in this skin. And because I am the one who I spend the most time with of anyone, I need to remain true to myself. All of the things I've done since we married that are different from what I did before are things I'm doing for me, to do just that. And I want the person who I am becoming to be a person you love, respect, and trust. Because everything I'm doing is a way to show myself those same things. But right now, I don't feel those things from you, and I want to understand why. I want to understand, but I am not a mind reader, so I have to ask you, because every other avenue hasn't worked.”
You’re in an abusive relationship. Call the police and report your car stolen and get rid of this woman.
pls tell her as you would too if you are in the some situation. heck tell everyone that L is cheating on M!! Cheaters should never be allowed scott free & need to be exposed.
what a shitty friend is A! b*tch!!
If she leaves where is she going to go?
You said she can’t afford to have a baby (or even possibly afford to on-line on her own if she’s flaky with her job).
Sounds like she’s trying to emotionally blackmail you into having a baby by threatening to leave.
Call her bluff and let her go. Sounds like she just wants you so that she can have a child and you can fund her lifestyle. Don’t you want to be with/ have a child with someone who loves you for who you are rather than for your money?
The real problem is your partner not sticking up for you… ever.
Dude … ask her! Don't waste any more time worrying about it. Be a gentleman and ask her. She isn't going to say no. The idea of not asking someone out for fear of being embarrassed at being rejected just doesn't cut it. No risk … no reward. You must do the things that will lead to happiness for you. Best wishes.
No, it's not nothing and it's fine that it's hot. But you have to value yourself enough to not accept this.
What if it was your best friend saying these things to you? What if it was their partner who had said these things to them?
Would you say, “it's ok because he apologizes and says he loves you?” Would you say, “you're right, you are crazy oversensitive – it's totally normal for a partner to threaten self harm if you try to meet your own needs”?
My guess is no. So why are you saying things like this to yourself?
I’ve never used a sex toy but I got myself off with my hands next to him twice. It didn’t bother him or anything
Some people don't like going down on people. How is that shaming her body?
Screw the evidence, just leave and tell her why after. She knows the score. The only thing he needs to get before leaving is the ring.
It seems to me that you're not compatible romantic partners. You barely qualify as “close friends” based on that description you gave. And I have a feeling that you're aware of that.
So what's holding you back? Is there a reason you won't end this relationship and seek a partner who is capable and willing of fulfilling your standards of a healthy romantic relationship?
The longer you wait to tell her, the more fucked you are.
Best practice is to call immediately in that situation.
Fuck figuring everything out.
You know why? Because your enemy is also figuring things out, and may be concocting a counter story to fuck you over while you sit in limp paralysis.
You walk around in a confused daze only to find out later than now to your peers you were the one who assaulted her.
Social warfare, get off your ass.
Also a higher body count has nothing to do with negative behaviors. Have a nice day.
As I said before, at my age, I've found that it correlates with so. You may not have found that, but in my circles I have. I always give people a chance, but I've not yet found a person with so that I feel comfortable with, in both instances, they've viewed the opposite gender as tools, and two people were literal diagonized sociopaths.
Her friend literally ASSAULTED you. Tell you girlfriend and the tell the friend you’re thinking about filing a police report. That was so wrong, and your girl needs to know what a snake her ‘friend’ is. She needs to be kicked out immediately.
You’re calling her shallow for being upset that he put zero thought into a ring she has to wear for the rest of her life. I hope you’re not in a relationship because I feel bad for your partner if you are. Men shouldn’t get high fives for putting in bare minimum effort.
This is genius, I’m gonna use this going forward lol.
Regardless if you believe this happened or not doesn't effect me in my life in any way. This situation happened and people really are weirdos /nut cases.
Just get things organised (talk to your parents and friends etc.), then sit down with him at a good time and say, 'This isn't working for me' and the conversation will go from there. You'll be fine. I know it feels like a huge thing, but it'll be over with relatively quickly and you can start rebuilding without him.
From where I'm from, casual hugs between close friends, relatives, family members are not unusual.
Unless the photo showed more intimate actions, I don't understand why she choose to believe you would cheat. At the most, she could have just asked you in a calm manner instead of accusing and blowing up at you directly. I get how you feel hurt and insulted over this.
I'm not advising you to break up with Laura but I think you two should take a step back first. Because Laura has some trust issues that she needs to work on or else it's not gonna be fair for you. As for Lucia, just keep NC with her and avoid her. Unless she is very certain of facts, she should not have meddled in other peoples' relationship. She is no friend of yours.
I was 14 and very turned on. I married that kid. I was very nervous, not because of pain but because my older sister has 5 kids by the time she was 23. (She would have been 21 at the time with 3). Literally no one at all talked to me about sex at all except her and my mom simply to don't do it. It hurt, and I bled, he was very gentle, even stopping. He was also very inexperienced.
I also believe a generational gap could be to blame. I made sure to talk thoroughly with my eldest about sex, on their level starting at 8 years old. I have discussed my youngest the proper terminology for her private parts already, she's 5. I am raising 2 children to not be ashamed of their sexuality or gender, but to also be proactive and smart and with my 18 year old, I told them I only wanted to know if they needed birth control, which they started at 15 for non sexual reasons.
Uhhh, if you want to risk blowing up your marriage then sure you should contact him.
Girl, let this go. What he’s doing & who he’s doing it with is his business. Go enjoy your life with your family. You’re not missing anything in him.
I have had colonoscopies. There is no way this is anywhere near a two week issue. The day before only.
I feel like we view this so similarly! I'm trying to compromise with him because I do understand that it's his house too and his preferences matter. When talking with my partner he doesn't seem to understand that I'm trying to compromise by allowing him to have his friends over so often. This is maybe the 3rd or 4th time I've asked for him to not have people over in about 8 months so it's not like I'm asking all the time. And he tells me I can go hang out somewhere else if I want to be alone which seems unfair to me because I only have one home and I do like to be at home when I'm having my alone time.
That can be true for sure but I could not tell you the amount of stories I have heard from people I know in the community or just in general that had no idea their child had any type of issues whatsoever. They usually just didn't know it was a disorder that needed to be treated or they thought it was just their child's personality. Or the other people who did not get a diagnosis until adulthood despite the glaring behavioral issues or sensory dysfunction they displayed throughout childhood. These are usually the stories of people who knew there was something different about their child and they literally chose to ignore it usually due to neglect, financial reasons or straight up denial that their child may need help. There are definitely so many parents who notice this stuff in their children but there are so many others who don't and it goes undiagnosed throughout life or undiagnosed until late childhood or even adulthood.
is there any way for you not to have to be in the same house? Could a friend or family member put you up? Or lend you money to rent somewhere?
He knows what he did is wrong which is why he's trying to make you think he feels bad about it.
Get legal advice – and support from a domestic abuse charity
yep. this isn’t about cooking. it’s about respecting partnership.
Ah yes, her husband is absolutely blameless in this situation. What was I thinking suggesting that he needs to be an active participant in their family.
Yes
If you forget his birthday, would he be upset? If he does get upset, then the whole “birthdays are just not a big deal” is a lie and he’s just being selfish.
If he doesn’t get upset, then maybe you have to decide if you’re willing to settle with someone who will never take your birthday seriously and that you never have to make a big deal out of his birthday either.
You’re right, the lot was 6,000 sqft. My bad.
Everything I said still applies. My first home was like 1,700 sqft when growing up. Basically half the size of what you shared. Could be close to half the cost. My parents raised two kids in it until they could upgrade a decade later.
You have two options:
Leave him. If this is going to eat away at you, then leave him. Go find someone else who manages their money better. If all you care about is how much money someone brings to the alter, you might be doing him a favor as well. Orrrrr put on your problem solving hat and quit having a pity party. Quit acting like you’ve been robbed. You can’t change the past. Sit down and have a financial planning meeting. Show him how to auto deposit $X into his savings account each pay cycle. Have monthly budget meetings. Every dollar needs a name and purpose. Money is wasted when there is money left over and it isn’t given a purpose such as savings.
Bonus: take a Dave Ramsey class together. He’s normally a little faith based but if your not, it’s really not in your face or anything and I would still recommend it to an atheist. He talks about how every relationship has a spender and saver. You’re clearly the saver. He’s the spender. A successful marriage figures out how to work together. He talks about the 7 baby steps to success.
Hot take: I saw your comments where you’re like “he blew all his money ??????” Stop. It’s not a good look. So what? He can’t undo it. He lived a little. You can’t take it with you to the grave. Focus on the future and quit being petty about it. That would annoy me to the point of calling off the wedding personally.
Best of luck to you both.
$300k for a DOWN PAYMENT? I know prices got crazy but who is paying $300,000 for just a down payment? Am I missing something here?
She wants you to practice with her.
What are you wanting and expecting from this relationship?
Why are you dating him?
If you think this is just going to be a causal relationship then is it worth it?
Yeah the problem is the kind of guy who is sending you chatGPT isn't the kind of guy that cares about open communication or understands what empathy is.
It’s ultimately up to you. It is your body. You’re the one that has to wear it.
But the consequences will also be on you. You know he dislikes it, so if he stops touching you or decides to divorce,
If my gf/wife got a tattoo that I just couldn’t look past, because of placement, theme, or it was trashy, we’d be done. Being attracted to a woman is important for me. If I’m not attracted to my gf/wife anymore, it would kill the rest of the relationship.
That is it right there….the friend is her friend. Not a secondary girlfriend for OP to hook up with. OP has a skewed view of the world. Wake up or lose the GF.
Tell her. I’m willing to bet my bank account she is perfectly healthy and oblivious. I wouldn’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
Don't date people from her religion. The family will never accept you.
so ur boyfriend literally contributes in other ways? the problem is the gf isnt contributing to shit. and its nice that you dont care if pretty much living completely free on your dime, but other people do.
I'm just curious as to why you think my gf shouldn't be the one paying for the damage she caused?
Yeah, see this is what I was hoping…I do have a tendency to read into things. Unfortunately evidence points to the contrary. I appreciate your response. Wish me luck out there.
No child needs a sibling, lots of people absolutely hate their siblings and never get along, lots of only children LOVE being an only child (like my husband). Your husbands situation is proof of that. If that is your only reason for wanting 2 I would implore you to REALLY think about this. They say 1 kid is like 1 kid and 2 kids is like 5.
There is zero, absolutely zero guarantee that your kids will get along.
Kids are a 2 yes 1 no situation. I would advise you to wait longer and perhaps seek some couples therapy.
As bad as this sounds too, people can be wonderful parents and love their kids immensely but still despise parenting and regret having children. Often the reality is MUCH harder than what people expect.
If he is sure about his decision and you pressure him into a second, don’t be surprised if it ends your marriage.
To be honest, I'm in that subreddit and I'm childfree 100%. but if my brother were to have a son/daughter, and both his partner and him were to die, i would take that kid no doubt if there wasn't a better option available. I might be childfree, but I love my family equally.
You and your BF are simply not compatible and should end things. He’s allowed to want to have sex and you’re allowed to be completely against it.
Age aside, if you can’t deal with him going on a camping trip without you, you’re not mature enough to be married. Unless he’s going to be gone for months it’s not a big deal.
Second this. Unless the dress shows up WITH an apology from whoever the culprit is, I would honestly take this as a pretty clear sign of how much they respect, support and love you.
OP, you have been treated abhorrently by those who claim to love you most. After the lowest time in your life. They don’t get to dictate how you should act, feel, or grieve. What they’ve done is egregious and I just wish I could give you a big hug.
I’m so, so sorry.
This is some delusional shit here. You've got to be out of your mind to not realize that she's cheating.
James is totally lacking in empathy. And he's not some random bloke, he was Hailey 's father, but apparently he got immediately over any grief and expected you to do the same. Aside from the stealing of Hailey 's dress, this facts alone should be enough to reconsider the relationship
Don’t text him – leave him alone to find someone more compatible.
Understand the nostalgia but leave him alone to get on with his life.
This marriage should not survive.
You understand that your husband loves you and absolutely is attracted to you right? He obviously gets aroused by looking at your body since he wants the lights on. And although you should feel good about yourself for YOU, you also realize that a lot of men find thicker women attractive and do not find skinny twigs attractive right?
Immediately
She may not want to invest time and effort into someone who’s leaving and you should be honest about your situation.
You are dating an insane person, who I think may also be cheating on you with how she keeps projecting a lot of insecurity on you. Either way though, why the hell are you with this person?
Honestly you both sound toxic and immature. You have brought 3 children into the world who will see how you both behave towards one another and may think that’s a normal relationship. They won't like you hurting and yelling like that at their dad and the image of their absent dad being drunk and sleeping all day will haunt them if it continues too. I am sincerely hoping you wouldn't hurt any of your kids if they pushes your boundaries which they WILL do as they grow older. Definitely a topic to discuss with your psychologist.
Whether if you want to continue to fight for the relationship and for how long is up to you; but if you can't get back on track after relationship counseling, will you ever get there? And how much damage do you need to do to your kids before it's the last straw?
This is not just about you and him, but also the kids. Think about the environment you're raising them in. If he is not able to or interested in growing up and taking responsibility for his family, you need to. And maybe that will be a wake up call for him, maybe it won't. Either way it sounds like you're just not good for eachother.
No you absolute child its NOT cheating. Cheating is fucking someone else.
I understand what you are saying Own-Writing, but I don't think this gets what you want. The moment OP arrived the nonsense will end and all the co-workers will cover for her…you are their enemy. Your wife will be pissed with you and you will get a reputation for being jealous and controlling.
I think OP needs a couple of friends that his wife wouldn't recognize (or a PI) to have a few drinks and watch what goes on. Videos and pics can be sent to you. If the party is just innocent stupidity then the wife never needs to know you checked it out… if not, you know what goes on and can make appropriate plans.
But what if she doesn’t remember it?
Can we chat?
It’s funny how so many of these posts leave out the background of what your relationship was like and WHY he may have cheated, just chose the wrong time to do it
I think that depends a lot on the relationship and the people in it. I do know people who are pretty content to date long distance without constantly planning a visit; I also know people who are unable to visit each other for various life reasons. For me, if I'm in a long distance relationship I'm okay if we can't visit but it's important to know that closing the distance eventually is in both of our best interests for reasons other than the relationship (I'm still in higher education and can't and don't want to make huge decisions based solely on one other person). But everyone experiences this differently.
So you are her Plan C. So you want to be 3rd grade partner for her?
You think people can't cheat if you can see when thry spend money? You're so not ready for a relationship. Work on yourself, stop wasting his and your time and di some growing up.
OP, I think your biggest problem is how you're handling this. As others have mentioned, this is a pretty easy 'geddafuckouddahere”
But what is it with this convoluted post? “My ex cheated on me with my sister and I don't want to invite her.” See how easy that reads? It just feels like your taking some major steps to not actually face how shitty your sister is. Sure, forgiveness is divine, but the other person has to actually be sorry.
Just be mad at her and don't invite her because you don't need that shit on your big day. Then, die mad about it, because this one is pretty egregious.
Talk to him first. Then you'll get a better idea of what to do next. If you aren't even communicating with him , then there is no sense in “deciding ” ahead of time whatever it is you're doing.
Too many people here are focused on his pain, screw that. He’s a lazy uninvolved parent and she and the kids deserve better. Kick him to the curb.